Family Therapist Advises: 5 Questions to Ask Your Partner Before Taking Out a Mortgage Together

Buying your own home is one of the biggest decisions in life, especially when done together with a partner. A home loan can bind couples for decades and affect the family's everyday life through the budget. Therefore, it is important to discuss topics before signing a loan agreement at the bank that could create tension or disagreements in the future.

Supervised family therapist Nele Pihlak shares advice on what would be good to discuss with each other before taking out a loan.

"A loan is a relatively large and long-term obligation for the family and can put the relationship to the test over time. In addition to the societal anxiety that affects many families today and creates worry about the future, the loan obligation raises anxiety in both partners and hidden tension often carries over into relationships with each other," explains Pihlak. "That is why it is important to discuss thoroughly before taking out a loan what each partner's habits, expectations and fears are."

1. The meaning of money and priorities

Before taking on a long-term obligation, it is important to understand what attitudes towards money each partner brings with them and how to make decisions together in the future.

Ask each other:

• How was money treated in your family of origin?

• Are you used to saving money or rather spending it?

• How do you react in case of financial difficulties?

• What are your joint financial goals?

• How do you share common expenses and loan payments?

"If one partner's family of origin lived rather frugally and saved money, but the other partner's family lifestyle was more about enjoying life, this can create misunderstandings," explains Nele Pihlak. "Therefore, for the sake of a good relationship and family peace, it would be worthwhile to talk about money and its meaning before taking on a long-term loan obligation. Clearly agree on what you allow yourselves, what you give up for the sake of a joint home/loan, and how you share responsibilities so that neither partner feels that the other is riding over them or that their opinion is not important."

Swedbank's head of residential loans Anne Pärgma recommends definitely discussing practical questions as well. "Set plans early on how the ownership of the property being purchased will be divided, how costs related to the property will be shared, whether you will start saving, whether you will create a joint account for it or each save separately. It is also important to discuss early how different household costs will be divided between partners. An overview and balance of assets and obligations creates clarity," she recommends.

2. Changes in income and crisis situations

Life circumstances can change: someone may lose a job, become ill, or change careers. So it is important to discuss in advance how to handle it if you get into difficulties and make agreements with each other.

Ask each other:

• How will we manage if one of us loses a job?

• Who could help us in an emergency (family, friends)?

• How do we feel about asking for help and are we ready to accept help?

• What are our options for temporarily stopping loan payments?

"It is important to understand that, for example, job loss is not just a financial concern. In the context of a relationship, it usually creates a sense of failure and 'I am no longer enough' in the partner who lost the job. In worst cases, this partner may fall into depression, which in turn makes it difficult for the whole family to function in everyday life. This all puts the relationship to serious test. Since job loss is emotionally a failure for a person, it is often accompanied by feelings of worthlessness and abandonment, and partners should be aware of these kinds of emotional mood swings," describes Nele Pihlak.

"If important topics are discussed openly with each other in a calm situation before taking out a loan, then when real problems arise, there is already less anxiety and it is easier to find solutions," she explains.

"Creating savings through savings habits creates a certain buffer, but accidents and misfortunes always happen unexpectedly. So as a preventive measure, it is helpful to discuss insurance conditions such as home insurance, home property insurance, and loan payment and life insurance. Everyone who has had something happen and has insurance appreciates with relief when the bank tells them, 'you have insurance!'" adds Pärgma.

3. Family life development stages and changing needs over time

Family growth brings both new joys and challenges. "Family needs are different at different stages of family life and it is good to know about the different development stages before taking out a loan. A home loan can last 20-30 years, during which the family goes through several different life stages," describes Pihlak.

Ask each other:

• Who will stay home after the children are born and for how long?

• How do we share expenses related to children?

• How do we support each other through the difficulties and tensions that come with having children?

• What values and principles do we want to raise our children on?

"When children are born, child-related expenses are added to the family. Usually this phase creates tension, because you need to adjust to new roles and in addition to sleep deprivation and exhaustion, personal desires often have to be put aside and primarily meet the needs of children. It is good if expectations and hopes are clearly stated in advance," says Pihlak.

There are also different stages and different costs in family life financially. "Often people think of expenses that come with having children, but in reality there are also large expenses when children are teenagers or enter independent life and move out of the home. In addition, it is important to discuss how to save and accumulate for the children's future," adds Pärgma.

4. Maintaining the relationship amid obligations

If financial burden increases or everyday life becomes more stressful, couples can start working more and gradually distance themselves from each other as responsibilities and obligations increase.

Ask each other:

• How do we discuss difficult topics so that both feel heard and understood?

• What activities or traditions do we maintain so that the relationship does not remain only at the level of 'carrying obligations'?

• What are our methods for resolving conflicts?

• How do we share household chores and responsibilities so that neither feels abandoned?

• Are we ready if necessary to seek help from outside (e.g., family therapist, counselor) if we feel we cannot manage alone?

"If there is a constant feeling in the family that money is the decision maker, life is lived only for work and the partner does not consider my needs, emptiness and disappointment arise," says Pihlak. "Therefore, it would be worthwhile before taking out a loan to discuss how to talk about tensions in relationships so that neither feels pushed away or as a victim of constant accusations. Open and mutually respectful communication is one of the most important foundations of a long-term relationship."

Anne Pärgma adds that often avoiding financial confusion conflicts is helped by routine and transparent monthly reviews. "When partners sit down once a month or quarterly and review their family budget and loan payments together, the risk that money matters become hidden or conflictual is reduced. Clarity creates a sense of security."

5. When paths diverge

This is a question that many couples avoid because when buying a joint home, no one wants to think of the relationship as something that could end. Yet it is important – separation does not make loan obligations disappear.

Ask each other:

• What happens to the home if the relationship should end?

• How is responsibility for loan payments divided in case of separation?

• Do we have an agreement on how to proceed in case of separation so that both partners' sense of security is protected?

• Can we admit to ourselves that our family broke down and need and are ready to accept help from various specialists?

• Can we remain parents who provide a sense of security for the children?

"Divorce and family breakdown is one of the most difficult situations, especially for children. If it does happen, it is better if the partners have previously discussed how we would act in such a situation. Then it is possible in the emotionally tense and anxious situation that divorce always is for partners, to remain respectful towards each other," explains Pihlak.

Pärgma emphasizes that with a loan, there is a legal responsibility: "If both partners are property owners and parties to the loan agreement, they are equally responsible, regardless of who stays in the home. If the relationship ends, the practical solution is usually either selling the home or one partner buying out the other's share. It is definitely worth contacting the bank early to find a solution that suits all parties. It is worth knowing that although a loan agreement is entered into for an average of 25 years, changes can be made in between and the loan can also be repaid early."

"Open conversations before taking out a loan help avoid future conflicts, create shared expectations and goals, reduce anxiety in difficult situations when making decisions and strengthen mutual trust," adds Pihlak.